A Moment of Clarity: Finding Hope in the Midst of My Pain
About this time last year, I was in the middle of what could mildly be called a full-blown panic attack. It happened at a Trunk-or-Treat at a church I was attending at the time. I was chatting with a woman from my prayer group when I started feeling the crowds of people pressing in on me. Very suddenly I was hyper aware that people could hear everything I was saying. My fingers were twitching, I couldn’t look her straight in the eye, and after a mumbled apology, I made my exit. The farther I walked into the parking lot, the shallower my breathing became as my chest got tight. I couldn’t remember exactly where I parked, but I knew I needed to get there quick. My heart was racing. Next thing I knew, I was running through the parking lot. I got into my car, locked the door, and sobbed uncontrollably. I was terrified and horribly embarrassed about the fact, and it compounded on itself into a puddle of shaking, blubbering mess. It lasted about five minutes, then I collected myself, went to the store for some milk and then headed home to sit mutely in front of the television for the rest of the night.
Let’s back this up. In the summer, I started a new job and moved into my own place after three years living with my parents. The build-up to my move in wasn’t exactly smooth, with the general move-in issues and other conflicts abounding, causing a lot of stress in my personal life. Oh, and did I mention that my social life was made up of church functions and sitting at home, longing for any kind of relationship?
Basically ALL. THE. THINGS.
Feeling lonely and socially awkward and mad at God because he’s a million miles away isn’t really all that great. Safe to say, I wasn’t sleeping much. I found myself being irritable or evasive with my family (and a lot of other people), and even though I was in church and Bible study, I couldn’t find God. As the stresses continued to pile up, the one thing I did feel was that I had lost control of myself and that other’s would figure it out. What was worse, I started to realize that I didn’t know what me really looked like. My life up until that point had been a blur of just doing things because it was the next available thing or because I felt I had to in order to please my family or get up the corporate ladder like everyone else my age. I was starting to see the strings I had been dancing to my whole life. And, try as I might, I couldn’t figure out how to make them go away on my own. In fact, trying was only adding to the stress and making things worse.
It was about this time that the Trunk-or-Treat scene occurred. And then I had my moment of clarity. Like the prodigal son in the pig pen, I came to my senses. If I was going to get out of this dark hole, I needed to accept that I couldn’t do it. I was going to have to let God take control and figure me out, because, quite honestly, I was tired of crying, tired of not getting along with friends and family, tired of pretending things were alright when they weren’t, tired of trying to understand who I was and who I was supposed to be. I was cutting the strings and hoping that God would catch me, because he was seriously my last resort.
Fortunately, Jesus Christ specializes in a catch and release program for “last resort” people. This prayer was true and utter surrender to him and a request for a spiritual alteration unlike what I had ever been through before. This was a true “Come to Jesus” experience.
Am I telling you that immediately my breakthrough came and life was all praises and worship and hearing God’s voice just speak to me like Abraham? No. But I also didn’t ask for everything to get right immediately. What I asked God for was someone to help me walk this faith walk (that’s the wisdom of the Holy Spirit right there – if it had been me, I definitely would have asked for and expected my miracle transformation right there and then). And he answered that prayer.
That same woman I was talking to at the Trunk-or-Treat texted me in November, putting me in touch with a young woman she had just met that worked at the same place I did, but we had never met. We met up for lunch one day at work and immediately it felt like we had known each other our whole lives. This girl spoke life into me in a way that made me excited to be a child of God and look forward to life like never before. She has become one of my closest friends and, along with the support of the great women in my prayer group, has helped me through personal difficulties, worked with me on figuring out my social awkwardness (a work in progress), and encouraged me in developing my relationship with Jesus. Over this past year, I have experienced so much life-altering joy, peace, struggle, growth and purpose – I laugh and cry and praise God when I look back on where I was and where I am now.
Have I become an expert on this weird thing called faith or totally excelling at all things life? Nope. But my relationship with my family is on good ground, I’m confident in my job, I’ve been sleeping better than I have in years, and I’ve gotten used to flying solo. My social life is still mostly me and Jesus, but I’m catching on that I need to learn to be content with him before letting anyone else in. I’m learning to have “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding” (Philippians 4:7).
It’s funny what happens in your life when you let God do his work. My prayer is that my story can encourage anyone out there who might be in a dark place that you can come out of it. Please don’t fear sharing your struggle with someone you trust and please seek help, from God and from others.
For anyone struggling with difficult life issues, check out Hope for the Heart, a ministry offering spiritual support as well as practical professional help for those in need.